Recently, my life has been relatively monotonous. I honestly cannot name the most exciting thing I’ve done in the last six months. Is this something new? Somewhat. Is this a problem? Not really. So why am I writing about it? Well, I need to get my thoughts out. And, quite frankly, this blog is probably my favorite way to do just that.
First of all, what is excitement? Well, the dictionary definition of “excite” is to “stir up, arouse.” However, I suppose the connotative meaning of it has developed into something different. ”Excitement” now seems to imply a joyful, fun meaning. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that, I just wanted to make clear what I meant by “excitement.” In essence, I mean that nothing has evoked anything extremely joyful recently. Again, there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that.
Some of you now might think I’m depressed and becoming apathetic. This is not true in the slightest. I guess the best way to describe it is that I’m becoming comfortable. An odd thought for me, as when I think about it, I’ve never been truly comfortable in my life before. I’m not saying that I used to be unhappy, but what I am saying is that for the first time since I can remember, life isn’t nearly as turbulent. As a result, however, the actual excitement level has gone down.
At this point, you may be wondering what my point is. I’ll try to communicate this as eloquently as I can. My point is, it is a bit depressing to look back on the last several weeks (or even months) and see that I come home every day, and do the same things. And I am always perfectly happy with that. As I said, I have become comfortable in my routine, to the point that I subconsciously follow it daily and still find a sense of accomplishment out of it. And this is where my real problem comes in.
You’ve probably heard the phrase that with youth comes passion, and with age comes wisdom. I suppose my issue is that currently, I haven’t had an opportunity to use any passion I have for a real, ultimate gain. My Christian friends tell me that I have my passion for God. I’m not saying that I am unhappy with that, but what I do mean is that a passion for God is just all too common. Then my more agnostic/atheist friends will tell me that I have my passion for politics and for people. Quite frankly, though, as one fifteen year old in a small school where a real sense of indiscriminate compassion is almost looked down upon, it isn’t realistic for me to think that I can pursue this right now. So where do I focus this passion on instead? Well, I’ve been floating from different things. Whether it’s music, photography, art, or school. As you might be able to assume, it gets boring going through this cycle quite quickly.
What’s my solution? Well, I’ve taken the position of a student leader of sorts for a trip the freshman and sophomore classes at my school are taking to New Orleans in the fall. I’ll be taking care of fundraising, and I’ll be working closely with getting arrangements made for lodging and such. For those of you who don’t care for this kind of thing, I just want to say that there isn’t anything much more fun in life than being able to do something like this. On a more long-term note, I am taking an SAT to get into a local university (Wright State University, for those interested) and I’ll be taking a class or two there next year. Unfortunately, I can take only one class in my sophomore year, but I will be able to take several more in my junior and senior years. Also, I’ve been trying to get students in my school a bit more interested in the more political (i.e. controversial) subjects. As such, I have a few friends that will be joining me in debate and a few other electives that are similar in nature. If you couldn’t tell, I have a big grin plastered on my face as I write this.
Finally, where does this all lead me? Honestly, I might be the most indecisive person on the planet. I have never been able to pin down something that I am absolutely interested in for a career. A year ago, I probably would have told you that I wanted to go into computer science or politics (tough choice, right?). Today, I would tell you that I want to go into journalism (be it writing or photojournalism) or work in the arts somehow (i.e. learn to draw something better than a stick figure). Although the latter of my most recent desires is largely based on a newfound love of all art that expresses deep emotion, my diverse range of interests makes it extremely difficult to narrow the passion I mentioned earlier to a point where I can make a meaningful difference in any one area.
I’ll conclude this very introspective post with a question and some information on my next few posts. First, I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve taken up poetry again, and a few new poems I’ve written have been graciously complimented by several folks. So make sure that you check back in the next few days and I’ll be sure to post a few of them. Now for my question. Feel free to ponder this to yourself, or just answer it in the comments. What does freedom of expression mean?
